You know when you look at your brand spanking new run calendar and say, “Wow…. f— this. I can’t do this.” ?? Well I do. That’s where I’ve been lately. I lost that loving feeling about running.
It has been building up after a couple weeks of major run fails and scheduling fails. But it wasn’t until I finally drafted my run plan/marathon buildup calendar and printed it out that I broke. I had been procrastinating making a calendar for a few weeks now. First it was finals and then my kids were majorly sick for a week, then I was sick, then we had out of town visitors. I had a long run scheduled with my run partner for early Mother’s Day morning. But after I woke up at 430am and was all ready to go (not easy when sick kids keep you up all week), my run partner cancelled because she was sick too. It was fine. I took it as a sign I should be home with my kids on Mother’s Day anyway. And the rest of the day was a blur. I shook it all off and said, ok, these past couple weeks have been a major fail BUT… just get that calendar together and start fresh this week because you have plenty of time still!
…. And then my husband got called last minute to go out of town for work and left before the weekend started. Weekend run plans – cancelled. Again. Yes, I have a treadmill now, but I just couldn’t do it. I told you, I lost that loving feeling. I needed run team to boost me through the weekend runs and now I couldn’t go.
When I found out about this last minute work schedule and heavy upcoming work load, I had just printed off my run calendar and was looking at it in shock like “... huh… 5 days a week huh?…. yeahhh… umm…. ok….” Then I started thinking about his work and my work and I crumbled under the pressure of it. I started asking myself – Why am I running at all?! Who can run with the kind of schedule we have and how can I keep this schedule up when school starts in August? How can I NOT fail when kid sicknesses and random work things come up all the time?? How is all of this FUN for me?? Last time I checked, failing isn’t fun!
All of a sudden I wanted to withdrawal from my marathon in the fall. The marathon seemed like this stupid thing on the top of the tallest mountain, surrounded by lava and a dragon, that I have to try to climb blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back and with random lightning strikes along the way.
… At least yesterday it did. It’s amazing what a day can do. It’s amazing how you can feel better after you voice to yourself: I QUIT. Something about that word is like an adrenaline shot to my heart. When I tell myself I’m quitting, it makes me do crazy things instead. When I said “I quit” before the Disney Marathon, because I hadn’t trained properly, as soon as I said it out loud, I turned around and booked a hotel in Orlando and was like, just kidding! I’m headed up that mountain and nobody can stop me!! …. what an exhausting process, but it seems to be my process.
It gets frustrating when things don’t go according to your plans. I don’t like to adjust and adapt when plans get cancelled. I want schedules to be written in STONE and I want to know EXACTLY how things are going to go. But that’s impossible at this stage of my life with small kids and our jobs and grad school and so many responsibilities pulling at me. But I’m still in it. Nothing worth having is easy, right?
Anyone else have moments of wanting to give up on run plans? What is your biggest hurdle for getting your runs in? Your work? Kids? Commute? Your own mind?